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[Sep. 11th, 2009|12:31 pm] |
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i wonder how different everything would be had i never worked at disneyland. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|10:09 pm] |
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this hurts. i am in so much pain. |
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| 1, 2, 3, 4. |
[Apr. 8th, 2009|01:43 am] |
it's almost 2 am and i have been doing too much thinking for my own good.
i am completely conflicted in so many different ways it is unbelievable.
should i stay single or commit.
quit my job or tough it out.
move to oc or stay in la.
move out of state or stay in california.
so many decisions to be made. some are completely stupid and a waste of my thoughts, but others could change my life completely that i'm overwhelmed even considering the possibility of change.
right now the most important decision to be made revolves around whether or not to commit. i have spent the last year sulking over something completely ridiculous and not worth my emotions. a situation that i have learned so much from but have also suffered so much over. i still don't understand why what happened was significant enough to completely change me as a person. part of me misses who i used to be. i used to be so willing to love. i wasn't bitter. i wasn't angry. i was a girl who loved the world and who believed love could never do her wrong.
a year later and i'm amazed that i have become this person. it has been so long since i've been able to love. i've attempted to put down my wall but it ended up being thrown right back in my face. i don't know if i'll be able to love you. you should probably run, far far away. i will end up breaking your heart.
i don't want you to want me.
-i want you to hate me and to not speak to me:
i will want you more because i will feel you don't need me around.
-i want you to treat me like i am the most irrelevant, insignificant, meaningless person you have ever met:
i will have to work harder to hold your attention and i will feel accomplished once i have you to myself.
-make me beg for you. make me beg for you to even look at me:
i need to feel like you're a challenge in order to appreciate your love for me.
i deserve to be treated like i'm nothing because i AM nothing.
cheat on me, lie to me, steal from me.
you will win my heart.
i can see it now. you will fall in love with me. i will think i love you back and figure out that the love i felt was only a reaction to the love you felt for me. i will never be able to fall in love with you. i will never let myself fall in love again. and that is the problem. my inability to love is what will break your heart. it's not that i don't want to try to love again, i just don't know how. its been too long.
i need help. i don't know how to ask for it and i don't expect anyone to care.
the thought of being in a relationship depresses me.
i don't think i can do it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|07:57 am] |
today's a very important day for me.
my entire future is hanging on a decision not even made by me.
if it's time to move forward then i just hope i have the strength to get through this.
if it's not, then i will be so unbelievably happy and i will appreciate every moment more than i ever have.
wish me luck.
help me through this... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2007|12:48 pm] |
so while waiting for my cold medicine to kick in i started doing some thinking.
i've been single for a while now and it's a weird thought to think that i've been without a boyfriend for that long. i always have a boy there and i hate being alone. being independant is such a change and i've learned a lot since josh and i ended last march. i've had so many new experiences and i've learned so much about myself and the people around me that i feel like a completely different person now. i have new friends, new feelings, and a new outlook on life. there have been so many changes and i'm so appreciative of every one i've gone through.
i was at the lowest point i've ever been at during the last semester of high school and i'm so glad i made it through and that i'm ok now. i'm in a new place but sometimes those feelings still come back and i'm forced to confront all the old shit that used to torture me daily but like i said, i'm ok.
so now, like i always say, i'm in a pickle. i'm having a lot of mixed feelings towards a bunch of different things and i'm being forced to make decisions between letting my guard down and just going with the flow, or attempting to save myself from possibly getting really hurt in the future. what to do, what to do.. i need some clarity and i'm in need of more honesty! talk to me, let me know how you're feeling!
and so while i close the book on one chapter, i'm moving on to a new one. i'm ready for whatever comes and i know i can handle it. time heals all wounds! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|08:47 pm] |
after all the shit i pulled in high school i fucking graduated!!!!!!
fuck yes.
i failed so many classes and i ditched almost everyday and yet i made it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have no idea how i actually graduated but i'm so glad that i did. thank god everything worked out but i don't have a clue how i did that.
fuck beverly, i'm done!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2007|12:18 pm] |
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i want a boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2007|09:23 pm] |
my life would be a really entertaining reality show.
so much shit to deal with, so little time and energy. but i guess despite all the bullshit that's going on i'm happy and i think that's the most important thing at this point. going from such a low point to getting to where i am now has been the hardest thing in the world but i'm happy i got through all of it.
i'm still hurt of course and it's something that will probably stay with me for a LONG time but i have people taking my mind off of it which is good. i'm ok, and i'm surviving. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2007|05:45 pm] |
i'm so excited! i'm getting a puppy in a month and i can not fucking wait!!! she's a maltipoo and she is seriously the cutest thing in the world. she was born dec 31st and she's the new love of my life!
this was her a week ago. because she's so young she can't lift her head on her own!
and this is her today..
...now all i need is a name for the baby girl! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|06:29 am] |
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i've decided that i dont wnt to drink anymore for a long time. i've had my fill of alcohol and i'm done for now. ok. if you're around me while i'm near alcohol dont let me drink. no more. i dont like feeling like this so no more. ok. |
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[Oct. 7th, 2006|12:57 am] |
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i can't stop yawning and i have a case of hiccups that is out of control. i've had them for 30 minutes now and they wont leave me aloneeee. make it stopp!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|05:59 pm] |
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my family is trying to fatten me up. it's a conspiracy against me. my dad just put a whole box of donuts right next to me, they're calling my name but i refuse!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|04:59 pm] |
you've entertained us all in so many ways..from tucson to tiajuana, from guantanamo to santiago, from the grove to century city. born to die in your homeland of mexico, pabes, you will be missed dearly. viva la pablo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
r.i.p. pablo santos |
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| so, the truth has been revealed... |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|10:03 pm] |
tonight my dad confirmed that i am related to chuck norris..oh god. i also found out that his real name is carlos, haha- loves it!
let the jokes begin |
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[Jun. 27th, 2006|02:56 pm] |
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why the fuck is it raining right now?! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2006|09:45 am] |
we took this at the pier on our 3 month anniversary..
well, we decided to go back to the pier and update our photobooth picture.
a year and 3 months later...
the only thing that kills me about our new picture is the quality of it..if anyone knows how to fix it, let me know!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|08:10 am] |
so we've officially been together for a year now. wow. who would have thought that one random hook up would lead to all this? not me..and definetly not josh either.
so for our anniversary we decided to ditch school and go to disneyland. i had the most amazing time ever. there were so many hilarious moments and stupid little jokes that came out of today that there are just to many to name.
i totally didn't even know they have animals at disneyland. like..they have a type of petting zoo there and josh an i met maggie the cow and marshmallow & yam the turkeys.
up until 20 mins ago i thought this was the perfect day. but josh calls and tells me because he was 5 mins late to coming home his parents are going to ground him for another fucking week. if they end up doing that to him, im gunna go psycho. i can't handle not seeing him for another week, its so hard.
whatever, it's all complete bullshit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|03:56 pm] |
i'm on a mission.
i'm going to attempt for the billionth time to lose some weight. starting today i'm eating healthy, and i'm going to exercise..hopefully i can keep to my diet and exercise enough to lose some weight in the next few weeks..wish me luck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2005|07:20 pm] |
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everyone must go to moca's exibit on ecstasy and altered states..it was AMAZING..i had such an awesome time. it's not just some boring museum shit, everything totally fucks with your mind. it's so fun.
i'm so happy 2005 is just about over and i get to start fresh with the new year. this has been such an odd year. i can't decide if it was the worst year of my life, or the best. so much has happened. ive definitely grown a lot in the last year, and i'll definitely never forget everything that happened to me.
( 2005 ) |
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